Six ridiculous magic items

1. Chromium Skull of Celestial Summoning. Summons an abandoned alien battlecruiser that was hiding on the orbit for the last 12700 years. It will take a warship 5d4 days to arrive and there's a 37% chance it will crash-land, causing major environmental disaster on a continental scale.
2. The Empty Hourglass. When shattered, it removes its user from the time continuum, barring it from interacting with any matter at all, for all eternity. Bear in mind that it's more than certain that he/she isn't the only entity that ended up in that situation.
3. The Obsidian Clock. Massive grandfather clock whose hands seem to not move at all, despite its extremely overcomplicated mechanism clearly being in motion. Resetting the hands will immediately trigger the apocalypse, destroying the world in seven days.
4. Immortality Stone. It grants, well, immortality for anyone who touches it. Sadly, the power lasts only for time the contact is maintained. And the Stone weighs approximately 75 thousand tons.
5. Minotaur's Scroll. When read, it teleports its user to the center of nearest labyrinth, no matter if it's a kindergarten hedge maze, orbital prison or an underwater tomb of antediluvian, cosmic evil.
   
6. Bell of Omnipotence. If put on one's head, it grants access to all spells for as long as it remains worn. Unfortunately, it also strips its wearer of all senses, making him/her unable to see, hear, taste, smell, sense by touch, echolocate, electrolocate, sense direction, sense humidity, sense magic and so on.