Random tables!

1. Brass Spiked Table. Made of uhh, spiked brass. Any summon spell cast while the scroll / spellbook sits on this table is more effective, but in quite unexpected way - the number of summoned creatures is increased by one, no matter if the spell summons a cricket or a lessed deity.
2. Swan Table. Made of white wood, with strangely curved legs. Big enough for two human-sized creaures to sit on it. Can be used in manner similar to magic carpet - just way weirder.
3. Twenty-legged Table. Made of reddish, cracked wood, at least twenty feet long. When approached, it transforms into an enormous centipede and attacks! AC 4, HD 5, fast movement, save vs Poison or 1d4 additional damage and -1 to all attack rolls for one hour (cumulative).
4. Malachite Workbench. All poison brewed on this table are more potent - either lasting for twice as long, or dealing additional damage die, or modifying victim's saving throw by -1.
5. Pink Topaz Table. Any food left on this table for at least ten minutes loses its poisonous properties. Unfortunately, it also loses any taste, while keeping its nutritional value.
6. Singing Oak Table. Each night, a huge mouth appears on the surface of this table. It devours everything that was placed on it. The items can be safely retrieved if the secret codeword is sang.
7. Goblin Stool Table. Any gold placed on this table is transmuted into goblin feces. Any silver is enchanted, dealing additional 2d6 damage to all zoanthropes (effect lasts for 24 hours). Any water is transformed into lemon juice. And fruits are transformed into cucumbers. Transmutation process starts immediately and lasts for 1d4 minutes.
8. Coffee Table of Great Fun. Made of finely polished walnut and adorned by a shimmering, floral rune. Anyone who touches the rune must save vs Magic or temporarily gets 13 additional HP, -1 to AC (to a minimum of 2) and gets extremely drunk. Additionally, they become plagued by nasty hallucinations of naked but extremely hideous dryads (-1 to all rolls). Effect lasts for six hours.
   

Mad King's Decisions - random table

Roll 1d10 and enjoy the mayhem:

1. Contradict your last edict.
2. Contradict your last edict, only to revert to it 1d4 days later.
3. Show up on the big horse race event*.
4. Pact with your biggest historical enemy with no apparent reason.
5. Propose annexation of all of border kingdoms.
6. Nominate kingdom's biggest d6: 1 idiot; 2 con, 3 criminal, 4 evil cult leader, 5 lunatic, 6 legendary monster - as your advisor.
7. Execute the realm's d6: 1 archmage, 2 spy leader, 3 royal physician, 4 key general, 5 advisor, 6 key minister.
8. Exile all the d4: 1 royal guards, 2 royal cooks, 3 capital city's administrators, 4 army officers.
9. Revert your last 1d4 edicts. There is a 37% chance to revert the reversal day later. Roll separately for each edict. 
10. Roll twice and combine the effects!

*) I love NASCAR, as one of 2d20 Europeans who watch it. 

PS. My 50% sale of all PDFs is still going!

MORE SALE IS MORE BETTER - still a 50% discount!

 

Yup. I decided to prolong the agony promo on all my PDFs on DTRPG. Now it lasts for the entire February!

GET MY POOP PDFS ON DRIVETHRU! NOW FIFTY PERCENT OFF!

End of January sale - 50% discount on all my shit on DTRPG!

That's right. All my PDFs on DriveThruRPG are now 50% off. Which combined with the site-wide sale, drops the prices even more. Promo lasts until the end of the month. Enjoy!

BUY MY STUFF EVEN CHEAPER!

Ridiculous Random Results - Disappointing Treasure

Another random table from my latest release. Roll 1d20 and enjoy your disappointment:

1. Chest full of candies shaped like coins
2. Pouch full with colorful glass shards
3. Sculpture of a chest
4. Moldy leather armor
5. Rugged traveler’s boots, soaked with potent psychedelics
6. Magical tome, totally ruined with tar
7. Scroll tube full of children drawings
8. Miniature full plate armor, rusty
9. Chest within a chest within a chest within a chest
10. Chest with a very complicated lock; the key to open it is the only item inside
11. Two gilded potties, full of ancient “treasure”
12. Beautiful wooden sculpture - unfortunately, it seems it was used as a target practice at least few dozen times
13. Ornate oil lamp made of brass; no Djinn inside
14. Supposedly magical wand, broken in three pieces
15. Wooden case full of small flasks or jars
    
16. Small portable altar or a reliquary, made of a hollowed-out loaf of bread
17. Scroll containing an ancient cipher that turns out to be totally gibberish
18. Map leading the to the Tomb of Thousand Traps
19. Dragon egg, hardboiled
20. Jar containing two dozen goblin testicles, preserved in honey

 

Ridiculous Random Results - what's inside?

 

Some content from my latest booklet- the Ridiculous Random Results which I dropped two days ago - is already available here on the blog. Here's the list of all random tables, as well as linkage to things that were already posted here!

THE SECRET OF POWER
ANNOYING TRAITS OF THE HIRELINGS
EXOTIC RACES/ORIGINS OF THE HIRELINGS
WEIRD ITEMS IN A TOOL LOCKER
RIDICULOUS MAGIC ITEMS
ACCURSED FOOTWEAR
USELESS CREATURES
DEITIES FORGOTTEN FOR A REASON
IDIOTIC CHARACTER BACKGROUND DETAILS
BIZARRE ROOMS
THINGS UNEARTHED BY MISTAKE
ARTIFACTS THAT FELL FROM THE SKY
FAKE ELIXIRS
STRANGE SMALL ITEMS
GOBLIN DISHES
USELESS FURNITURE
MORONIC RUMORS
DISAPPOINTING TREASURE
UNWELCOME GUESTS
NASTY LIGHT SOURCES
FAILED FAMILIARS
MAPS & PLANS
UNUSUAL PETS
FESTIVALS & CELEBRATIONS
USELESS OCCUPATIONS
GOBLIN SAINTS

RIDICULOUS RANDOM RESULTS - OUT NOW!

As you probably noticed, nowadays I prefer to make content that is, well, weirder than usual. And slightly over the top. Or maybe not slightly.

So today I compiled all the bizarre random tabled I made since the release of my previous booklet, added some more, sprinkled it heavily with some Goblin Dust and voila! The book of Ridiculous Random Results was born.

What to expect from it? Tables about useless garbage, absolutely twisted junk and weird creatures. Think of it as of Towers of Krshal - but on acid. On bad trip. And stabbed in the kidney with a rusty, shit-smeared screwdriver.

GRAB THIS GOBLIN SHIT ON DRIVETHRURPG

GRAB THIS GOBLIN SHIT ON LULU (print)

GRAB THIS GOBLIN SHIT ON LULU (pdf)

And - once again - thank you for over a decade of ceaseless support.

TABLE OF CONTENTS!

THE SECRET OF POWER
ANNOYING TRAITS OF THE HIRELINGS
EXOTIC RACES/ORIGINS OF THE HIRELINGS
WEIRD ITEMS IN A TOOL LOCKER
RIDICULOUS MAGIC ITEMS
ACCURSED FOOTWEAR
USELESS CREATURES
DEITIES FORGOTTEN FOR A REASON
IDIOTIC CHARACTER BACKGROUND DETAILS
BIZARRE ROOMS
THINGS UNEARTHED BY MISTAKE
ARTIFACTS THAT FELL FROM THE SKY
FAKE ELIXIRS
STRANGE SMALL ITEMS
GOBLIN DISHES
USELESS FURNITURE
MORONIC RUMORS
DISAPPOINTING TREASURE
UNWELCOME GUESTS
NASTY LIGHT SOURCES
FAILED FAMILIARS
MAPS & PLANS
UNUSUAL PETS
FESTIVALS & CELEBRATIONS
USELESS OCCUPATIONS
GOBLIN SAINTS

PS. Font on the title page will make your eyes bleed.

Twenty Weird Items in a Tool Locker

 

Roll 1d20:

1. Half-melted wrench;
2. Set of seventeen infrared light bulbs, each of different size and socket type;
3. Welding mask shaped like an ant's head;
4. Circular saw blade covered with autographs of people you don't know;
5. Pair of diver's boots;
6. Five screwdrivers bent and knotted together;
7. Rasp made of crystal;
8. Pair of heavy leather gloves, with someone's severed hands still inside;
9. Denture with teeth replaced with wood screws;
10. Cordless drill modified in a way allowing it to shoot drill bits;
11. Mysterious map made of scraps of sandpaper glued together;
12. Necklace made of mirror-polished screw nuts;
13. A perfect cube of cast iron, with each side measuring exactly 66,6 millimeters;
14. Hard hat adorned with a pair of antlers;
15. Large hammer with a head on each tip;
16. Harp made of a shovel and a flute made of a fragment of copper piping;
    
17. Ginormous screw, at least three feet long and weighing more than 40 lbs;
18. Dildo made of berylium;
19. Huge welding iron, more resembling a sword than a tool;
20. Thirteen metal buckets put in one another and spot-welded together. 

Happy 2025, you bastards! 

Exotic hirelings' races/origins

 

Tired of bland and ordinary meatshields? FUCK 'EM UP! Roll 1d100 and see their totally insane origins:

1. Rhino Man
2. Wooden automaton
3. Sentient Crab
4. Inverted Silver Pyramid
5. Giant Halfling
   
6. Skinless One
   
7. Clay Golem
8. Pink Elf
9. Cat
   
10. Mummy
11. Orc Gentleman
12. Merman / Mermaid
13. Clockwork Man
14. Clock Man
    
15. Glowing Kobold
16. Rusty Iron Dwarf
17. Fire Drake
18. Animated Lead Soldier
    
19. Two-Headed Minotaur
20. Lamprey Vampire
21. Masked Cosmic Horror
22. Animated Sword
23. Eel Lord / Lady
24. Chain Golem
25. Warrior's Spirit
26. Carp Man
    
27. Doppelganger
28. Wererabbit
29. Tortoise Man
30. Elegant Skeleton
    
31. Animated Armor
32. Animated Candelabra
33. Sentient Caterpillar
    
34. Floating Skull
35. Mimic
36. Pig Man
37. Fallen Angel
    
38. Cinder Golem
39. Talking Horse
40. Centaur
41. Spiked Mannequin
    
42. Invisible Stalker
43. Invisible Giant
44. Floating Hypercube
45. Pack of Dogs
46. Eternal Child
47. Floating Eye
48. Gelatinous Man
49. Garden Gnome
50. Heron Man
51. Ice Statue
52. Unshackled Demon
53. Mushroom Man
54. Werepython
55. Snail Man
56. Animated Tree
57. Bison Man
    
58. Barbarian Robot
59. Locust Man
60. Anvilhead
61. Mantis Man
62. Sad Ghost
63. Pygmy Ogre
64. Frog Man
65. Lady in a Painting
66. Alien Amoeba
    
67. Animated Chair
68. Sparrow Prince / Princess
69. Dimensional Snatcher
70. Mandragora
71. Ghoul
72. Color Thief
73. Narwahl Man
74. Headless Horseman
75. Perfumed Zombie
    
76. Flower Man 
77. Goblin Noble
    
78. Scorpion Man
79. Shimmering Gremlin
80. Animated Cloak
81. Trash Golem
82. Phoenix Man
83. Union of Small Goblins
84. Ugly Succubus / Incubus
85. Tin Automaton
86. Antimagical Statue
87. Three-Headed Man
88. Wool Golem
89. Troglodyte Noble
90. Crocodile Man
91. Animated Fossil
    
92. Unbound Marionette
93. Humanoid Ooze
94. Cathedral-less Gargoyle
95. Thawed One
96. Swarm of Sentient Mice
97. Broken Saint
98. Dragon Pup
    
99. Crystal Man
100. Forgotten Deity

Six ridiculous magic items

1. Chromium Skull of Celestial Summoning. Summons an abandoned alien battlecruiser that was hiding on the orbit for the last 12700 years. It will take a warship 5d4 days to arrive and there's a 37% chance it will crash-land, causing major environmental disaster on a continental scale.
2. The Empty Hourglass. When shattered, it removes its user from the time continuum, barring it from interacting with any matter at all, for all eternity. Bear in mind that it's more than certain that he/she isn't the only entity that ended up in that situation.
3. The Obsidian Clock. Massive grandfather clock whose hands seem to not move at all, despite its extremely overcomplicated mechanism clearly being in motion. Resetting the hands will immediately trigger the apocalypse, destroying the world in seven days.
4. Immortality Stone. It grants, well, immortality for anyone who touches it. Sadly, the power lasts only for time the contact is maintained. And the Stone weighs approximately 75 thousand tons.
5. Minotaur's Scroll. When read, it teleports its user to the center of nearest labyrinth, no matter if it's a kindergarten hedge maze, orbital prison or an underwater tomb of antediluvian, cosmic evil.
   
6. Bell of Omnipotence. If put on one's head, it grants access to all spells for as long as it remains worn. Unfortunately, it also strips its wearer of all senses, making him/her unable to see, hear, taste, smell, sense by touch, echolocate, electrolocate, sense direction, sense humidity, sense magic and so on.

Annoying traits of the hirelings

1. Chronic runny nose
2. Sleepwalking
3. Delusions of grandeur
4. Lecherous
5. Alcoholic
6. Sleep-talking (or rather sleep-shouting!)
7. Fear of horses
8. Navel picker
9. Lazy
   
10. Horrible bad breath
11. Ascetic to the point of absurdity
12. Fear of magic
13. Goblin makeup
14. Constantly falling in love
15. Curse of flatulence
16. Eats only fish (has own supply of dried cave trout)
17. Almost deaf but pretends his/her hearing is excellent
18. Wears only red
19. Night blindness
20. Extreme atheist

Only two months more and I'll manage to post something each month of 2024! It will be my first year with regular, monthly posting since... uhh, 2013? 

Accursed Footwear

Each pair of the cursed shoes described below cannot be removed once worn, at least without using magic (eg. Remove Curse) or a hacksaw.

1. The Clog of Transformation. Each day, the victim becomes more and more... woody, losing one point of STR, DEX or CON, determined randomly. Once any stat reaches 2 or less, the victim starts to sprout twigs and grow leaves. Once any of the stats reaches zero, the victim is fully transformed into a small tree.
2. The Hungry Boots. The shoes have delaminated soles, giving them a hungry look. If one looks closer, he/she can notice multitude of small but razor-sharp teeth, adorning the shoes' "mouths". The Hungry Boots deal 1d4+1 additional kick damage as bite but must taste blood every day or they will drain 1 HP from their wearer each day.
3. Demonic Ballet Shoes. When worn they allow to move without making a sound, even during jumping or kicking. Unfortunately, the wearer cannot move in any manner other than dance. For each character with DEX less than 16 it means -1 to all to-hit rolls and +1 to AC. This penalty is doubled if DEX is lower than 8. Of course, the dancing movement can cause many other issues - just imagine an audience with a king...
4. Boots of Inversion. Once worn, they immediately flip the gravity for the wearer, slamming him/her onto the ceiling (fall damage may apply). Too bad if they were worn under a sky - it will take about twenty to thirty minutes for the victim to reach the escape velocity.
   
5. The Black Fins. The swimming fins made of black studded leather. They allow to breathe water and swim and dive effortlessly. Unfortunately, their wearer is no longer able to walk (treat him/her as having DEX of 1 on land)... or breathe air.
6. Assassin's High Heels. The legend says that they once belonged to a dwarven assassin Ho'dak the Dreadful. They grant immunity to all poisons and venoms and can be used as a +3 kicking weapon with a magical poison damage (save or die). Unfortunately, the footwear's curse manifest in a peculiar way - every sentient being is immediately aware of the wearer's presence (and the fact that he/she is wearing a strangely looking high heels) - even being invisible makes the surrounding beings suspicious and tense.