Random tables!

1. Brass Spiked Table. Made of uhh, spiked brass. Any summon spell cast while the scroll / spellbook sits on this table is more effective, but in quite unexpected way - the number of summoned creatures is increased by one, no matter if the spell summons a cricket or a lessed deity.
2. Swan Table. Made of white wood, with strangely curved legs. Big enough for two human-sized creaures to sit on it. Can be used in manner similar to magic carpet - just way weirder.
3. Twenty-legged Table. Made of reddish, cracked wood, at least twenty feet long. When approached, it transforms into an enormous centipede and attacks! AC 4, HD 5, fast movement, save vs Poison or 1d4 additional damage and -1 to all attack rolls for one hour (cumulative).
4. Malachite Workbench. All poison brewed on this table are more potent - either lasting for twice as long, or dealing additional damage die, or modifying victim's saving throw by -1.
5. Pink Topaz Table. Any food left on this table for at least ten minutes loses its poisonous properties. Unfortunately, it also loses any taste, while keeping its nutritional value.
6. Singing Oak Table. Each night, a huge mouth appears on the surface of this table. It devours everything that was placed on it. The items can be safely retrieved if the secret codeword is sang.
7. Goblin Stool Table. Any gold placed on this table is transmuted into goblin feces. Any silver is enchanted, dealing additional 2d6 damage to all zoanthropes (effect lasts for 24 hours). Any water is transformed into lemon juice. And fruits are transformed into cucumbers. Transmutation process starts immediately and lasts for 1d4 minutes.
8. Coffee Table of Great Fun. Made of finely polished walnut and adorned by a shimmering, floral rune. Anyone who touches the rune must save vs Magic or temporarily gets 13 additional HP, -1 to AC (to a minimum of 2) and gets extremely drunk. Additionally, they become plagued by nasty hallucinations of naked but extremely hideous dryads (-1 to all rolls). Effect lasts for six hours.
   

Mad King's Decisions - random table

Roll 1d10 and enjoy the mayhem:

1. Contradict your last edict.
2. Contradict your last edict, only to revert to it 1d4 days later.
3. Show up on the big horse race event*.
4. Pact with your biggest historical enemy with no apparent reason.
5. Propose annexation of all of border kingdoms.
6. Nominate kingdom's biggest d6: 1 idiot; 2 con, 3 criminal, 4 evil cult leader, 5 lunatic, 6 legendary monster - as your advisor.
7. Execute the realm's d6: 1 archmage, 2 spy leader, 3 royal physician, 4 key general, 5 advisor, 6 key minister.
8. Exile all the d4: 1 royal guards, 2 royal cooks, 3 capital city's administrators, 4 army officers.
9. Revert your last 1d4 edicts. There is a 37% chance to revert the reversal day later. Roll separately for each edict. 
10. Roll twice and combine the effects!

*) I love NASCAR, as one of 2d20 Europeans who watch it. 

PS. My 50% sale of all PDFs is still going!

MORE SALE IS MORE BETTER - still a 50% discount!

 

Yup. I decided to prolong the agony promo on all my PDFs on DTRPG. Now it lasts for the entire February!

GET MY POOP PDFS ON DRIVETHRU! NOW FIFTY PERCENT OFF!

End of January sale - 50% discount on all my shit on DTRPG!

That's right. All my PDFs on DriveThruRPG are now 50% off. Which combined with the site-wide sale, drops the prices even more. Promo lasts until the end of the month. Enjoy!

BUY MY STUFF EVEN CHEAPER!

Ridiculous Random Results - Disappointing Treasure

Another random table from my latest release. Roll 1d20 and enjoy your disappointment:

1. Chest full of candies shaped like coins
2. Pouch full with colorful glass shards
3. Sculpture of a chest
4. Moldy leather armor
5. Rugged traveler’s boots, soaked with potent psychedelics
6. Magical tome, totally ruined with tar
7. Scroll tube full of children drawings
8. Miniature full plate armor, rusty
9. Chest within a chest within a chest within a chest
10. Chest with a very complicated lock; the key to open it is the only item inside
11. Two gilded potties, full of ancient “treasure”
12. Beautiful wooden sculpture - unfortunately, it seems it was used as a target practice at least few dozen times
13. Ornate oil lamp made of brass; no Djinn inside
14. Supposedly magical wand, broken in three pieces
15. Wooden case full of small flasks or jars
    
16. Small portable altar or a reliquary, made of a hollowed-out loaf of bread
17. Scroll containing an ancient cipher that turns out to be totally gibberish
18. Map leading the to the Tomb of Thousand Traps
19. Dragon egg, hardboiled
20. Jar containing two dozen goblin testicles, preserved in honey

 

Ridiculous Random Results - what's inside?

 

Some content from my latest booklet- the Ridiculous Random Results which I dropped two days ago - is already available here on the blog. Here's the list of all random tables, as well as linkage to things that were already posted here!

THE SECRET OF POWER
ANNOYING TRAITS OF THE HIRELINGS
EXOTIC RACES/ORIGINS OF THE HIRELINGS
WEIRD ITEMS IN A TOOL LOCKER
RIDICULOUS MAGIC ITEMS
ACCURSED FOOTWEAR
USELESS CREATURES
DEITIES FORGOTTEN FOR A REASON
IDIOTIC CHARACTER BACKGROUND DETAILS
BIZARRE ROOMS
THINGS UNEARTHED BY MISTAKE
ARTIFACTS THAT FELL FROM THE SKY
FAKE ELIXIRS
STRANGE SMALL ITEMS
GOBLIN DISHES
USELESS FURNITURE
MORONIC RUMORS
DISAPPOINTING TREASURE
UNWELCOME GUESTS
NASTY LIGHT SOURCES
FAILED FAMILIARS
MAPS & PLANS
UNUSUAL PETS
FESTIVALS & CELEBRATIONS
USELESS OCCUPATIONS
GOBLIN SAINTS

RIDICULOUS RANDOM RESULTS - OUT NOW!

As you probably noticed, nowadays I prefer to make content that is, well, weirder than usual. And slightly over the top. Or maybe not slightly.

So today I compiled all the bizarre random tabled I made since the release of my previous booklet, added some more, sprinkled it heavily with some Goblin Dust and voila! The book of Ridiculous Random Results was born.

What to expect from it? Tables about useless garbage, absolutely twisted junk and weird creatures. Think of it as of Towers of Krshal - but on acid. On bad trip. And stabbed in the kidney with a rusty, shit-smeared screwdriver.

GRAB THIS GOBLIN SHIT ON DRIVETHRURPG

GRAB THIS GOBLIN SHIT ON LULU (print)

GRAB THIS GOBLIN SHIT ON LULU (pdf)

And - once again - thank you for over a decade of ceaseless support.

TABLE OF CONTENTS!

THE SECRET OF POWER
ANNOYING TRAITS OF THE HIRELINGS
EXOTIC RACES/ORIGINS OF THE HIRELINGS
WEIRD ITEMS IN A TOOL LOCKER
RIDICULOUS MAGIC ITEMS
ACCURSED FOOTWEAR
USELESS CREATURES
DEITIES FORGOTTEN FOR A REASON
IDIOTIC CHARACTER BACKGROUND DETAILS
BIZARRE ROOMS
THINGS UNEARTHED BY MISTAKE
ARTIFACTS THAT FELL FROM THE SKY
FAKE ELIXIRS
STRANGE SMALL ITEMS
GOBLIN DISHES
USELESS FURNITURE
MORONIC RUMORS
DISAPPOINTING TREASURE
UNWELCOME GUESTS
NASTY LIGHT SOURCES
FAILED FAMILIARS
MAPS & PLANS
UNUSUAL PETS
FESTIVALS & CELEBRATIONS
USELESS OCCUPATIONS
GOBLIN SAINTS

PS. Font on the title page will make your eyes bleed.

Twenty Weird Items in a Tool Locker

 

Roll 1d20:

1. Half-melted wrench;
2. Set of seventeen infrared light bulbs, each of different size and socket type;
3. Welding mask shaped like an ant's head;
4. Circular saw blade covered with autographs of people you don't know;
5. Pair of diver's boots;
6. Five screwdrivers bent and knotted together;
7. Rasp made of crystal;
8. Pair of heavy leather gloves, with someone's severed hands still inside;
9. Denture with teeth replaced with wood screws;
10. Cordless drill modified in a way allowing it to shoot drill bits;
11. Mysterious map made of scraps of sandpaper glued together;
12. Necklace made of mirror-polished screw nuts;
13. A perfect cube of cast iron, with each side measuring exactly 66,6 millimeters;
14. Hard hat adorned with a pair of antlers;
15. Large hammer with a head on each tip;
16. Harp made of a shovel and a flute made of a fragment of copper piping;
    
17. Ginormous screw, at least three feet long and weighing more than 40 lbs;
18. Dildo made of berylium;
19. Huge welding iron, more resembling a sword than a tool;
20. Thirteen metal buckets put in one another and spot-welded together. 

Happy 2025, you bastards!