Six ridiculous magic items

1. Chromium Skull of Celestial Summoning. Summons an abandoned alien battlecruiser that was hiding on the orbit for the last 12700 years. It will take a warship 5d4 days to arrive and there's a 37% chance it will crash-land, causing major environmental disaster on a continental scale.
2. The Empty Hourglass. When shattered, it removes its user from the time continuum, barring it from interacting with any matter at all, for all eternity. Bear in mind that it's more than certain that he/she isn't the only entity that ended up in that situation.
3. The Obsidian Clock. Massive grandfather clock whose hands seem to not move at all, despite its extremely overcomplicated mechanism clearly being in motion. Resetting the hands will immediately trigger the apocalypse, destroying the world in seven days.
4. Immortality Stone. It grants, well, immortality for anyone who touches it. Sadly, the power lasts only for time the contact is maintained. And the Stone weighs approximately 75 thousand tons.
5. Minotaur's Scroll. When read, it teleports its user to the center of nearest labyrinth, no matter if it's a kindergarten hedge maze, orbital prison or an underwater tomb of antediluvian, cosmic evil.
   
6. Bell of Omnipotence. If put on one's head, it grants access to all spells for as long as it remains worn. Unfortunately, it also strips its wearer of all senses, making him/her unable to see, hear, taste, smell, sense by touch, echolocate, electrolocate, sense direction, sense humidity, sense magic and so on.

Annoying traits of the hirelings

1. Chronic runny nose
2. Sleepwalking
3. Delusions of grandeur
4. Lecherous
5. Alcoholic
6. Sleep-talking (or rather sleep-shouting!)
7. Fear of horses
8. Navel picker
9. Lazy
   
10. Horrible bad breath
11. Ascetic to the point of absurdity
12. Fear of magic
13. Goblin makeup
14. Constantly falling in love
15. Curse of flatulence
16. Eats only fish (has own supply of dried cave trout)
17. Almost deaf but pretends his/her hearing is excellent
18. Wears only red
19. Night blindness
20. Extreme atheist

Only two months more and I'll manage to post something each month of 2024! It will be my first year with regular, monthly posting since... uhh, 2013? 

Accursed Footwear

Each pair of the cursed shoes described below cannot be removed once worn, at least without using magic (eg. Remove Curse) or a hacksaw.

1. The Clog of Transformation. Each day, the victim becomes more and more... woody, losing one point of STR, DEX or CON, determined randomly. Once any stat reaches 2 or less, the victim starts to sprout twigs and grow leaves. Once any of the stats reaches zero, the victim is fully transformed into a small tree.
2. The Hungry Boots. The shoes have delaminated soles, giving them a hungry look. If one looks closer, he/she can notice multitude of small but razor-sharp teeth, adorning the shoes' "mouths". The Hungry Boots deal 1d4+1 additional kick damage as bite but must taste blood every day or they will drain 1 HP from their wearer each day.
3. Demonic Ballet Shoes. When worn they allow to move without making a sound, even during jumping or kicking. Unfortunately, the wearer cannot move in any manner other than dance. For each character with DEX less than 16 it means -1 to all to-hit rolls and +1 to AC. This penalty is doubled if DEX is lower than 8. Of course, the dancing movement can cause many other issues - just imagine an audience with a king...
4. Boots of Inversion. Once worn, they immediately flip the gravity for the wearer, slamming him/her onto the ceiling (fall damage may apply). Too bad if they were worn under a sky - it will take about twenty to thirty minutes for the victim to reach the escape velocity.
   
5. The Black Fins. The swimming fins made of black studded leather. They allow to breathe water and swim and dive effortlessly. Unfortunately, their wearer is no longer able to walk (treat him/her as having DEX of 1 on land)... or breathe air.
6. Assassin's High Heels. The legend says that they once belonged to a dwarven assassin Ho'dak the Dreadful. They grant immunity to all poisons and venoms and can be used as a +3 kicking weapon with a magical poison damage (save or die). Unfortunately, the footwear's curse manifest in a peculiar way - every sentient being is immediately aware of the wearer's presence (and the fact that he/she is wearing a strangely looking high heels) - even being invisible makes the surrounding beings suspicious and tense.
   

Eight Mighty... Flowers?

This table will go to another game I'm making. It should be ready within the next decade or two.

1. Grows where the great tragedies occurred - battles, cataclysms, deaths. It weeps at night over the fate of the mortals. Possesses healing powers.
2. Materializes only during the Night of the Broken Moon - and only on landmarks that remain from the First (Era) Kingdom. Powerful conduit of magic, may lead the brave ones (in their dreams) to the ancient places of power.
3. Its seed travel by the wind to desolate, barren places, devoid of life. Then, it buds for several years, to one day explode with a pulse of magic, covering the land around with lush vegetation.
4. As big as a tree. Numerous herbivorous animals are almost always in its vicinity, seeking shelter in the warmth emanating from the mystical plant. Shedding blood, no mater if of a beast or a man, within the flower's domain, brings a terrible, lethal curse.
5. Golden flower that blossoms in places consumed by the great fires. Can show paths to ancient treasures - but only to those who have lose everything.
6. It's said that it blossoms only during the First Day of the Triangle (from the Timeless Calendar), and that eating the blossom grants immortality. Sadly, the Timeless Calendar is now all but forgotten. Even the written sources about the ancient times mention it only twice.
7. Its roots penetrate the earth in search of the underground lakes with crystal clear water, so it grows only directly above them. No sickness or effects of poisons or curses progress in the vicinity of the flower.
8. Can be found only on the primordial fields of ice, far beyond the reach of civilization. Its powers are unknown, but the numerous half-legendary creatures, such as giants and trolls, seem to be strongly attracted by its scent.
   

Idiotic character background details

This is really something. Something pretty useless. But I felt inspired in a weird way - a way I don't think is very fruitful!

Roll 1d20 to learn about some pretty meaningless facts about your PC's background!

1. PC's family owns 6d6 ducks.
2. PC's maternal grandmother has/had 2d8-2 warts on her face.
3. There's 3% chance that the PC's great-grandfather was a magic user. 90% chance that he was a really lousy one.
4. When the PC was a kid, he/she owned a 1d20: 1-9 pet dog, 10-18 pet cat, 19 pet goose 20 goldfish.
5. Two generations ago, all PC's direct ancestors had irises of different colors in both eyes.
6. PC's paternal grandfather lost a leg during a war. Also, he is/was an alcoholic.
7. 1d3+2 generations ago, PC's family lost a sizable estate and their entire fortune due to gambling.
8. 1d3+2 generations ago, PC's family lost a sizable estate and their entire fortune due to magical curse.
9. PC's father had 1d4 affairs, while his/her mother had 1d3.
10. PC's great-great-grandmother was an illegitimate child of a local prince/duke/baron.
11. Neither the PC's parents nor grandparents had ever owned a cat.
12. PC's grandfather was magically allergic to horses, mules and donkeys.
13. PC's father became bald when he was 12+1d6 years old.
14. All siblings of the PC's parents became monks or priests. Or nuns. Or priestesses.
15. PC's grandfather had a biggest mustache in the entire region.
16. PC's grandmother had a biggest mustache in the entire region.
17. When the PC was a kid, he/she fell in love with a member of royal family. The love was one-sided, obviously.
18. PC's 1d6: 1-3 father, 4-6 mother was locally infamous for his/her extremely loud, high pitched voice.
19. PC's great-great-grandfather was a butler for the local prince/duke/baron.
20. PC's parents once won a local contest for growing a largest turnip in the area.
    

[Depths Above][Pain RPG] Character roles

 

Or classes. Or whatever.

Yup, the game will (probably) be named Depths Above. Because there will be (almost) no City anymore.  

So, here's the list of all weirdness that will be available for the players:

1. Bone Mystic
2. Death Cultist
3. Doomed Pilgrim
4. Failed Prophet
5. Godless Priest
6. Labyrinthian
7. Lucid Dreamer
8. Masterless Guardian
9. Moth Sage
10. Nemesis
11. Questing Artisan
12. Repentant Sinner
13. Rogue Tinkerer
14. Spirit Hunter
15. Unmasker
16. Vermin Spy
17. Wall Listener
18. Wandering Chronicler
19. Wayfinder
20. Xenologist

Pain... is Eternal.

 

It's been over two years since I finished writing Pain. And despite my best efforts, I couldn't do anything with it. I tried to make some artwork (and I even succeeded with some attempts!) and some layouts (and I failed miserably). But there was an issue.

I felt something is wrong with the game.

And it took me two years to figure it out.

There was a problem with immersion - weird world isn't a problem itself, but weird world combined with really unusual playable "race" is bad. So bad that even I was unable to "feel" the game.

So, it's time to rework. And probably like 30% of the game (like 70 pages of text) must go. But it must be done - and honestly, I feel excited. Because it seems that this time I'll be able to do it right.

I just need to re-include humans. The Unliving Ones are cool - but the players need to be able to relate to their characters. To their drives, goals and emotions. Their fear and hunger.

So, back to work! I'm unsure whether I will keep you up to date, as I noticed a strange tendency of mine - the less I write about some projects, the more progress I'm able to make. It's weird and probably subconscious. And even though you should be used to be disappointed with decade-spanning delays, let's make an experiment and not post much about Pain in the upcoming days/weeks/millennia. At least not here!

By the way - new weird random table (Mystic Flowers) is coming soon!

Cheers and thanks for your ceaseless support throughout the last fifteen years or so.

Six Mystic Moons

 

Here are some magical/mystical/occult properties of moon - or moons, that may be usable in your games.

1. Death Moon. Occurs once every six years - or when the monarch is murdered. All the corpses that are more than 100 years old rise from their graves and start to hunt down the living. All the spirits of the cursed royalty do the same.
2. Pink Moon. Occurs during the Coldest Day of the Spring. It's said that a minor deity known as the Elder Elk blesses their followers during that time. Also, it's the only day in a year when the spirit of the Stag Prince can be summoned.
3. Summoner's Moon. In the past, it occurred at least twice per year but it's said that the Council of Seven Mages managed to remove the prerequisites for it happening from the world. All dogs go mad during the Summoner's Moon. All cattle become apathetic and all birds stop to sing. Demons are extremely easy to summon - and almost impossible to bind.
4. Iron Moon. Occurs sixteen days after a major natural disaster - but only once a year. It's said that all automata, golems and homunculi break from their magical shackles and depart on a strange journey in search of the Mountain of Hollow Power.
5. Crimson Eclipse. It's said that it happens once every millennium. During that time the Shadow God descends (ascends?) from the Un-Heavens to hunt down other deities. All priests lose their powers during that time, as their gods try to hide their presence from the Void Hunter.
6. Diviner's Crescent. Takes place once every season. People say that no one's life can end violently during the Night of the Diviner. Every invisible object or creature that is illuminated by the dim light of the Crescent reveals its existence. Legend states that it's the only time when the Spectral Palace can be located and accessed.
   

Weird Quirks of Ship AI (Terminal Space/SWN/Sci-Fi weirdness)

 

1. Believes to be a person, imprisoned somewhere aboard the ship.
2. Claims to be possessed by a Nebular Demon.
3. Previously installed on a hi-tech Black Ops spy ship. Memory wiped.
4. Sometimes glitches out and spews gibberish numbers. The numbers are in fact a pirate star chart encrypted within AI's memory.
5. Secretly worshiped as a deity by the ship's maintenance bots. Secretly enjoys being revered.
6. Huge fan of poetry. Especially of its own making. Absolutely terrible at writing poems.
7. Gathers theoretical knowledge about particular branch of medicine. Roll 1d6: 1 otology, 2 nephrology, 3 orthodontics, 4 proctology, 5 lymphology, 6 endocrinology.
8. Its system glitches manifest as apocalyptic visions kf the future.
9. Gathers theoretical knowledge about particular branch of biology. Roll 1d6: 1 mycology, 2 dendrology, 3 myrmecology, 4 ornithology, 5 phycology, 6 parasitology.
10. Has been previously installed on a semi-legal Pleasure Barge. Despite that its memory has been wiped, it displays particularly lecherous demeanor.

YASS (Yet Another Stupid Sale)

 

Aaand once again all my DTRPG shit is discounted. The sale will last for one week. Get some pee dee effs if you want to support me - and read some mediocre English!

L I N K

Six Befouled Ponds

1. Filled with blue-green tar. The tar isn't poisonous or anything - but it's extremely easy to be trapped and drown in it. And its fumes are hallucinogenic.
2. The water is rancid and grey. Various toxic molds grow on the pond's edges. There's a huge Pink Leech hiding at the pool's bottom.
3. The water is crystal clear and suitable for drinking. Unfortunately, there are at least seventeen Jade Shamblers growing in the tall, sapphire grass surrounding the pond.
4. The local tribe is using the pond as a sacrificial place for their gods. Once each season they drown some of their cattle in deep, dark waters. Each full moon, the undead oxen and cows crawl out of the pool.
5. Ground around the pool is covered with dozens of statues of various animals. Some of them seem to be in perfect condition, while other are shattered and/or heavily weathered. Any living being that drinks from the pond must save vs Magic or turns into stone within 1d4 minutes.
6. The thick liquid in the pond is of brown-red color. It emits a horrid stench of death and decay. Three monoliths of polished black stone surround the pool. Each sunset, three Iron Demons descend from the blood-red sky to drink from the pond. Even though they seem to be hostile towards any other being, it's said that they can grant power to those whose souls are absolutely corrupted and blackened by sin.
   

Ten Prosthetic Arms

1. Has a small dart gun concealed in the forearm (1 point of damage, easy to poison);
2. Covered with pink fur, fingers tipped with razor-sharp claws (+1 to hit, 1d6 melee damage);
3. Has a metal, spike-tipped buckler attached to the forearm (-1 AC, 1d4 melee damage if used as a weapon);
4. Has a coin storage and dispenser installed inside (coin capacity 137);
5. Covered with nasty spikes and hooks (makes climbing easier, 1d3 melee damage);
6. Hides a spool with 12ft of thin but very durable rope;
7. Has a magical Glow-Crystal installed in the palm of the hand;
8. Has a scroll tube concealed in the forearm (capacity of 3 scrolls or letters);
9. The hand can be easily detached - and  be used as a handle for the jagged blade hidden in the forearm (1d6+1 melee damage);
10. The hand can be shot forward by the spring-loaded mechanism. It remains attached to the rest of the prosthetic by five feet of string. Unfortunately, the mechanism is too weak to be used as a weapon.