Wednesday, January 15, 2025

Ridiculous Random Results - Disappointing Treasure

Another random table from my latest release. Roll 1d20 and enjoy your disappointment:

  1. Chest full of candies shaped like coins
  2. Pouch full with colorful glass shards
  3. Sculpture of a chest
  4. Moldy leather armor
  5. Rugged traveler’s boots, soaked with potent psychedelics
  6. Magical tome, totally ruined with tar
  7. Scroll tube full of children drawings
  8. Miniature full plate armor, rusty
  9. Chest within a chest within a chest within a chest
  10. Chest with a very complicated lock; the key to open it is the only item inside
  11. Two gilded potties, full of ancient “treasure”
  12. Beautiful wooden sculpture - unfortunately, it seems it was used as a target practice at least few dozen times
  13. Ornate oil lamp made of brass; no Djinn inside
  14. Supposedly magical wand, broken in three pieces
  15. Wooden case full of small flasks or jars
  16. Small portable altar or a reliquary, made of a hollowed-out loaf of bread
  17. Scroll containing an ancient cipher that turns out to be totally gibberish
  18. Map leading the to the Tomb of Thousand Traps
  19. Dragon egg, hardboiled
  20. Jar containing two dozen goblin testicles, preserved in honey

 

Wednesday, January 8, 2025

Ridiculous Random Results - what's inside?

 


Some content from my latest booklet- the Ridiculous Random Results which I dropped two days ago - is already available here on the blog. Here's the list of all random tables, as well as linkage to things that were already posted here!

THE SECRET OF POWER
ANNOYING TRAITS OF THE HIRELINGS
EXOTIC RACES/ORIGINS OF THE HIRELINGS
WEIRD ITEMS IN A TOOL LOCKER
RIDICULOUS MAGIC ITEMS
ACCURSED FOOTWEAR
USELESS CREATURES
DEITIES FORGOTTEN FOR A REASON
IDIOTIC CHARACTER BACKGROUND DETAILS
BIZARRE ROOMS
THINGS UNEARTHED BY MISTAKE
ARTIFACTS THAT FELL FROM THE SKY
FAKE ELIXIRS
STRANGE SMALL ITEMS
GOBLIN DISHES
USELESS FURNITURE
MORONIC RUMORS
DISAPPOINTING TREASURE
UNWELCOME GUESTS
NASTY LIGHT SOURCES
FAILED FAMILIARS
MAPS & PLANS
UNUSUAL PETS
FESTIVALS & CELEBRATIONS
USELESS OCCUPATIONS
GOBLIN SAINTS


Monday, January 6, 2025

RIDICULOUS RANDOM RESULTS - OUT NOW!


As you probably noticed, nowadays I prefer to make content that is, well, weirder than usual. And slightly over the top. Or maybe not slightly.

So today I compiled all the bizarre random tabled I made since the release of my previous booklet, added some more, sprinkled it heavily with some Goblin Dust and voila! The book of Ridiculous Random Results was born.

What to expect from it? Tables about useless garbage, absolutely twisted junk and weird creatures. Think of it as of Towers of Krshal - but on acid. On bad trip. And stabbed in the kidney with a rusty, shit-smeared screwdriver.

GRAB THIS GOBLIN SHIT ON DRIVETHRURPG

GRAB THIS GOBLIN SHIT ON LULU (print)

GRAB THIS GOBLIN SHIT ON LULU (pdf)

And - once again - thank you for over a decade of ceaseless support.

TABLE OF CONTENTS!

THE SECRET OF POWER
ANNOYING TRAITS OF THE HIRELINGS
EXOTIC RACES/ORIGINS OF THE HIRELINGS
WEIRD ITEMS IN A TOOL LOCKER
RIDICULOUS MAGIC ITEMS
ACCURSED FOOTWEAR
USELESS CREATURES
DEITIES FORGOTTEN FOR A REASON
IDIOTIC CHARACTER BACKGROUND DETAILS
BIZARRE ROOMS
THINGS UNEARTHED BY MISTAKE
ARTIFACTS THAT FELL FROM THE SKY
FAKE ELIXIRS
STRANGE SMALL ITEMS
GOBLIN DISHES
USELESS FURNITURE
MORONIC RUMORS
DISAPPOINTING TREASURE
UNWELCOME GUESTS
NASTY LIGHT SOURCES
FAILED FAMILIARS
MAPS & PLANS
UNUSUAL PETS
FESTIVALS & CELEBRATIONS
USELESS OCCUPATIONS
GOBLIN SAINTS

PS. Font on the title page will make your eyes bleed.

Saturday, January 4, 2025

Twenty Weird Items in a Tool Locker

 

Roll 1d20:

  1. Half-melted wrench;
  2. Set of seventeen infrared light bulbs, each of different size and socket type;
  3. Welding mask shaped like an ant's head;
  4. Circular saw blade covered with autographs of people you don't know;
  5. Pair of diver's boots;
  6. Five screwdrivers bent and knotted together;
  7. Rasp made of crystal;
  8. Pair of heavy leather gloves, with someone's severed hands still inside;
  9. Denture with teeth replaced with wood screws;
  10. Cordless drill modified in a way allowing it to shoot drill bits;
  11. Mysterious map made of scraps of sandpaper glued together;
  12. Necklace made of mirror-polished screw nuts;
  13. A perfect cube of cast iron, with each side measuring exactly 66,6 millimeters;
  14. Hard hat adorned with a pair of antlers;
  15. Large hammer with a head on each tip;
  16. Harp made of a shovel and a flute made of a fragment of copper piping;
  17. Ginormous screw, at least three feet long and weighing more than 40 lbs;
  18. Dildo made of berylium;
  19. Huge welding iron, more resembling a sword than a tool;
  20. Thirteen metal buckets put in one another and spot-welded together. 

Happy 2025, you bastards! 

Wednesday, December 4, 2024

Exotic hirelings' races/origins

 

Tired of bland and ordinary meatshields? FUCK 'EM UP! Roll 1d100 and see their totally insane origins:

  1. Rhino Man
  2. Wooden automaton
  3. Sentient Crab
  4. Inverted Silver Pyramid
  5. Giant Halfling
  6. Skinless One
  7. Clay Golem
  8. Pink Elf
  9. Cat
  10. Mummy
  11. Orc Gentleman
  12. Merman / Mermaid
  13. Clockwork Man
  14. Clock Man
  15. Glowing Kobold
  16. Rusty Iron Dwarf
  17. Fire Drake
  18. Animated Lead Soldier
  19. Two-Headed Minotaur
  20. Lamprey Vampire
  21. Masked Cosmic Horror
  22. Animated Sword
  23. Eel Lord / Lady
  24. Chain Golem
  25. Warrior's Spirit
  26. Carp Man
  27. Doppelganger
  28. Wererabbit
  29. Tortoise Man
  30. Elegant Skeleton
  31. Animated Armor
  32. Animated Candelabra
  33. Sentient Caterpillar
  34. Floating Skull
  35. Mimic
  36. Pig Man
  37. Fallen Angel
  38. Cinder Golem
  39. Talking Horse
  40. Centaur
  41. Spiked Mannequin
  42. Invisible Stalker
  43. Invisible Giant
  44. Floating Hypercube
  45. Pack of Dogs
  46. Eternal Child
  47. Floating Eye
  48. Gelatinous Man
  49. Garden Gnome
  50. Heron Man
  51. Ice Statue
  52. Unshackled Demon
  53. Mushroom Man
  54. Werepython
  55. Snail Man
  56. Animated Tree
  57. Bison Man
  58. Barbarian Robot
  59. Locust Man
  60. Anvilhead
  61. Mantis Man
  62. Sad Ghost
  63. Pygmy Ogre
  64. Frog Man
  65. Lady in a Painting
  66. Alien Amoeba
  67. Animated Chair
  68. Sparrow Prince / Princess
  69. Dimensional Snatcher
  70. Mandragora
  71. Ghoul
  72. Color Thief
  73. Narwahl Man
  74. Headless Horseman
  75. Perfumed Zombie
  76. Flower Man 
  77. Goblin Noble
  78. Scorpion Man
  79. Shimmering Gremlin
  80. Animated Cloak
  81. Trash Golem
  82. Phoenix Man
  83. Union of Small Goblins
  84. Ugly Succubus / Incubus
  85. Tin Automaton
  86. Antimagical Statue
  87. Three-Headed Man
  88. Wool Golem
  89. Troglodyte Noble
  90. Crocodile Man
  91. Animated Fossil
  92. Unbound Marionette
  93. Humanoid Ooze
  94. Cathedral-less Gargoyle
  95. Thawed One
  96. Swarm of Sentient Mice
  97. Broken Saint
  98. Dragon Pup
  99. Crystal Man
  100. Forgotten Deity

Friday, November 1, 2024

Six ridiculous magic items


  1. Chromium Skull of Celestial Summoning. Summons an abandoned alien battlecruiser that was hiding on the orbit for the last 12700 years. It will take a warship 5d4 days to arrive and there's a 37% chance it will crash-land, causing major environmental disaster on a continental scale.
  2. The Empty Hourglass. When shattered, it removes its user from the time continuum, barring it from interacting with any matter at all, for all eternity. Bear in mind that it's more than certain that he/she isn't the only entity that ended up in that situation.
  3. The Obsidian Clock. Massive grandfather clock whose hands seem to not move at all, despite its extremely overcomplicated mechanism clearly being in motion. Resetting the hands will immediately trigger the apocalypse, destroying the world in seven days.
  4. Immortality Stone. It grants, well, immortality for anyone who touches it. Sadly, the power lasts only for time the contact is maintained. And the Stone weighs approximately 75 thousand tons.
  5. Minotaur's Scroll. When read, it teleports its user to the center of nearest labyrinth, no matter if it's a kindergarten hedge maze, orbital prison or an underwater tomb of antediluvian, cosmic evil.
  6. Bell of Omnipotence. If put on one's head, it grants access to all spells for as long as it remains worn. Unfortunately, it also strips its wearer of all senses, making him/her unable to see, hear, taste, smell, sense by touch, echolocate, electrolocate, sense direction, sense humidity, sense magic and so on.

Wednesday, October 23, 2024

Annoying traits of the hirelings


  1. Chronic runny nose
  2. Sleepwalking
  3. Delusions of grandeur
  4. Lecherous
  5. Alcoholic
  6. Sleep-talking (or rather sleep-shouting!)
  7. Fear of horses
  8. Navel picker
  9. Lazy
  10. Horrible bad breath
  11. Ascetic to the point of absurdity
  12. Fear of magic
  13. Goblin makeup
  14. Constantly falling in love
  15. Curse of flatulence
  16. Eats only fish (has own supply of dried cave trout)
  17. Almost deaf but pretends his/her hearing is excellent
  18. Wears only red
  19. Night blindness
  20. Extreme atheist

Only two months more and I'll manage to post something each month of 2024! It will be my first year with regular, monthly posting since... uhh, 2013? 

Tuesday, October 1, 2024

Accursed Footwear

Each pair of the cursed shoes described below cannot be removed once worn, at least without using magic (eg. Remove Curse) or a hacksaw.
  1. The Clog of Transformation. Each day, the victim becomes more and more... woody, losing one point of STR, DEX or CON, determined randomly. Once any stat reaches 2 or less, the victim starts to sprout twigs and grow leaves. Once any of the stats reaches zero, the victim is fully transformed into a small tree.
  2. The Hungry Boots. The shoes have delaminated soles, giving them a hungry look. If one looks closer, he/she can notice multitude of small but razor-sharp teeth, adorning the shoes' "mouths". The Hungry Boots deal 1d4+1 additional kick damage as bite but must taste blood every day or they will drain 1 HP from their wearer each day.
  3. Demonic Ballet Shoes. When worn they allow to move without making a sound, even during jumping or kicking. Unfortunately, the wearer cannot move in any manner other than dance. For each character with DEX less than 16 it means -1 to all to-hit rolls and +1 to AC. This penalty is doubled if DEX is lower than 8. Of course, the dancing movement can cause many other issues - just imagine an audience with a king...
  4. Boots of Inversion. Once worn, they immediately flip the gravity for the wearer, slamming him/her onto the ceiling (fall damage may apply). Too bad if they were worn under a sky - it will take about twenty to thirty minutes for the victim to reach the escape velocity.
  5. The Black Fins. The swimming fins made of black studded leather. They allow to breathe water and swim and dive effortlessly. Unfortunately, their wearer is no longer able to walk (treat him/her as having DEX of 1 on land)... or breathe air.
  6. Assassin's High Heels. The legend says that they once belonged to a dwarven assassin Ho'dak the Dreadful. They grant immunity to all poisons and venoms and can be used as a +3 kicking weapon with a magical poison damage (save or die). Unfortunately, the footwear's curse manifest in a peculiar way - every sentient being is immediately aware of the wearer's presence (and the fact that he/she is wearing a strangely looking high heels) - even being invisible makes the surrounding beings suspicious and tense.

Tuesday, September 10, 2024

Eight Mighty... Flowers?


This table will go to another game I'm making. It should be ready within the next decade or two.

  1. Grows where the great tragedies occurred - battles, cataclysms, deaths. It weeps at night over the fate of the mortals. Possesses healing powers.
  2. Materializes only during the Night of the Broken Moon - and only on landmarks that remain from the First (Era) Kingdom. Powerful conduit of magic, may lead the brave ones (in their dreams) to the ancient places of power.
  3. Its seed travel by the wind to desolate, barren places, devoid of life. Then, it buds for several years, to one day explode with a pulse of magic, covering the land around with lush vegetation.
  4. As big as a tree. Numerous herbivorous animals are almost always in its vicinity, seeking shelter in the warmth emanating from the mystical plant. Shedding blood, no mater if of a beast or a man, within the flower's domain, brings a terrible, lethal curse.
  5. Golden flower that blossoms in places consumed by the great fires. Can show paths to ancient treasures - but only to those who have lose everything.
  6. It's said that it blossoms only during the First Day of the Triangle (from the Timeless Calendar), and that eating the blossom grants immortality. Sadly, the Timeless Calendar is now all but forgotten. Even the written sources about the ancient times mention it only twice.
  7. Its roots penetrate the earth in search of the underground lakes with crystal clear water, so it grows only directly above them. No sickness or effects of poisons or curses progress in the vicinity of the flower.
  8. Can be found only on the primordial fields of ice, far beyond the reach of civilization. Its powers are unknown, but the numerous half-legendary creatures, such as giants and trolls, seem to be strongly attracted by its scent.

Saturday, August 3, 2024

Idiotic character background details

This is really something. Something pretty useless. But I felt inspired in a weird way - a way I don't think is very fruitful!

Roll 1d20 to learn about some pretty meaningless facts about your PC's background!

  1. PC's family owns 6d6 ducks.
  2. PC's maternal grandmother has/had 2d8-2 warts on her face.
  3. There's 3% chance that the PC's great-grandfather was a magic user. 90% chance that he was a really lousy one.
  4. When the PC was a kid, he/she owned a 1d20: 1-9 pet dog, 10-18 pet cat, 19 pet goose 20 goldfish.
  5. Two generations ago, all PC's direct ancestors had irises of different colors in both eyes.
  6. PC's paternal grandfather lost a leg during a war. Also, he is/was an alcoholic.
  7. 1d3+2 generations ago, PC's family lost a sizable estate and their entire fortune due to gambling.
  8. 1d3+2 generations ago, PC's family lost a sizable estate and their entire fortune due to magical curse.
  9. PC's father had 1d4 affairs, while his/her mother had 1d3.
  10. PC's great-great-grandmother was an illegitimate child of a local prince/duke/baron.
  11. Neither the PC's parents nor grandparents had ever owned a cat.
  12. PC's grandfather was magically allergic to horses, mules and donkeys.
  13. PC's father became bald when he was 12+1d6 years old.
  14. All siblings of the PC's parents became monks or priests. Or nuns. Or priestesses.
  15. PC's grandfather had a biggest mustache in the entire region.
  16. PC's grandmother had a biggest mustache in the entire region.
  17. When the PC was a kid, he/she fell in love with a member of royal family. The love was one-sided, obviously.
  18. PC's 1d6: 1-3 father, 4-6 mother was locally infamous for his/her extremely loud, high pitched voice.
  19. PC's great-great-grandfather was a butler for the local prince/duke/baron.
  20. PC's parents once won a local contest for growing a largest turnip in the area.

Monday, July 29, 2024

[Depths Above][Pain RPG] Character roles

 

Or classes. Or whatever.

Yup, the game will (probably) be named Depths Above. Because there will be (almost) no City anymore.  

So, here's the list of all weirdness that will be available for the players:

  1. Bone Mystic
  2. Death Cultist
  3. Doomed Pilgrim
  4. Failed Prophet
  5. Godless Priest
  6. Labyrinthian
  7. Lucid Dreamer
  8. Masterless Guardian
  9. Moth Sage
  10. Nemesis
  11. Questing Artisan
  12. Repentant Sinner
  13. Rogue Tinkerer
  14. Spirit Hunter
  15. Unmasker
  16. Vermin Spy
  17. Wall Listener
  18. Wandering Chronicler
  19. Wayfinder
  20. Xenologist

Friday, July 12, 2024

Pain... is Eternal.

 

It's been over two years since I finished writing Pain. And despite my best efforts, I couldn't do anything with it. I tried to make some artwork (and I even succeeded with some attempts!) and some layouts (and I failed miserably). But there was an issue.

I felt something is wrong with the game.

And it took me two years to figure it out.

There was a problem with immersion - weird world isn't a problem itself, but weird world combined with really unusual playable "race" is bad. So bad that even I was unable to "feel" the game.

So, it's time to rework. And probably like 30% of the game (like 70 pages of text) must go. But it must be done - and honestly, I feel excited. Because it seems that this time I'll be able to do it right.

I just need to re-include humans. The Unliving Ones are cool - but the players need to be able to relate to their characters. To their drives, goals and emotions. Their fear and hunger.

So, back to work! I'm unsure whether I will keep you up to date, as I noticed a strange tendency of mine - the less I write about some projects, the more progress I'm able to make. It's weird and probably subconscious. And even though you should be used to be disappointed with decade-spanning delays, let's make an experiment and not post much about Pain in the upcoming days/weeks/millennia. At least not here!

By the way - new weird random table (Mystic Flowers) is coming soon!

Cheers and thanks for your ceaseless support throughout the last fifteen years or so.