SSS: Stupid Space Structures

1. A Generation Ship race. It has started approximately 12000 years ago. No one remembers where the end line is.
2. A fake planet made of styrofoam. Entire ecosystem of polystyrene-dependent creatures inhabit its surface.
3. The Yellow Embassy. Occupied by the alien species that communicate by urinating on themselves and their interlocutors. Free beer for everyone.
4. A terraformed "paradise planet" with a functional space ladder as the only safe way to reach its surface.
5. A Great War-era German U-Boat, crewed by Kaiservampires.
6. One trillion-Watt lightbulb, as big as an orbital shipyard. Probably nothing can power it. Cult of Energy Preservation and the Church of the Unborn Light are at war for its control.

Yup this one is really useless. 

November Nastiness! Random NPCs!

Is it November already?

Please, enjoy this little random table that may help you create some lovely NPCs for your game.

Random Festivals and Celebrations!

 

1. Soap-eating Contest
2. Festival of Castles Made of Bread
3. The Goblin Orgy
4. The Cacophonous Convergence
5. Brown Paint Festival
6. Celebration of the Grand Convulsions
7. Grease-Maker’s Market
8. Opera of Lamenters
9. Nut Cracking Battle
10. Coffin Rafting
11. Gorgon Corrida & Stone Statue Exhibition
12. Festival of Furniture
13. The Ogre Rodeo
14. Night of the Butter
15. Celebration of the Trebuchets
16. Tower Jumping Contest
17. Mule-carrying Run
18. Tomato Full Moon
19. Week of the Dough
20. Mushroom Enlargement Magical Contest 

 More similar bullshit HERE!

Random Posts!

Roll 1d8 and be amazed.

1. Blackened Iron Pillar. Every new moon, a group of 2d6+5 cultists gather around to sacrifice an albino, three headed goat. Then, an Iron Demon (AC 4, HD 17, 3d12 damage) is summoned and forced to listen to the cult leader's terrible poetry.
2. Pink Marble Post.  Every damaging spell cast within a one-mile radius from the pillar deals half of its normal damage (rounded down) and amount of HP restored by the healing spells is doubled.
3. Platinum Column. Extremely valuable (778879 gp) but guarded by 13 Platinum Golems (AC 2, HD 8, 2d6 damage) which sadly explode when destroyed, dealing 4d10-4 damage.
4. Goblin Radio Tower. This huge wooden post has highly-advanced receiver mounted on its top. Clearly it's of an alien origin and it beams the Space Goblin King's commands down to his minions on the planet. Unfortunately, the device is smeared with goblin feces. There are three large goblin encampments within two-mile radius from the Tower. 
5. Bone Column. Looks like a huge human spine. Every living creature killed within the one-mile radius from the Column rises as an undead after 1d4 hours.
6. Glass Spire. If touched with one's forehead for one hour, the post heals of one's wounds and reverses the effects of stat and level draining. In addition to healing, it curses with terrible nightmares that hinder sleep (-1 to all stat checks and saving throws) for the entire month.
7. Clay Pillar. Looks like a chimney build with crudely made bricks. On closer inspection, each brick is decorated with a tiny, extremely complex rune. If one spills his/her/its blood (1 HP worth of blood) and touches the Pillar, he/she/it becomes instantly teleported to the second, identical Clay Pillar, located somewhere else within the same star system. Doesn't work on bloodless creatures.
8. Phallic Post. It just looks like a ginormous schlong. Move along.
   

Mad King's Decisions - random table

Roll 1d10 and enjoy the mayhem:

1. Contradict your last edict.
2. Contradict your last edict, only to revert to it 1d4 days later.
3. Show up on the big horse race event*.
4. Pact with your biggest historical enemy with no apparent reason.
5. Propose annexation of all of border kingdoms.
6. Nominate kingdom's biggest d6: 1 idiot; 2 con, 3 criminal, 4 evil cult leader, 5 lunatic, 6 legendary monster - as your advisor.
7. Execute the realm's d6: 1 archmage, 2 spy leader, 3 royal physician, 4 key general, 5 advisor, 6 key minister.
8. Exile all the d4: 1 royal guards, 2 royal cooks, 3 capital city's administrators, 4 army officers.
9. Revert your last 1d4 edicts. There is a 37% chance to revert the reversal day later. Roll separately for each edict. 
10. Roll twice and combine the effects!

*) I love NASCAR, as one of 2d20 Europeans who watch it. 

PS. My 50% sale of all PDFs is still going!

RIDICULOUS RANDOM RESULTS - OUT NOW!

As you probably noticed, nowadays I prefer to make content that is, well, weirder than usual. And slightly over the top. Or maybe not slightly.

So today I compiled all the bizarre random tabled I made since the release of my previous booklet, added some more, sprinkled it heavily with some Goblin Dust and voila! The book of Ridiculous Random Results was born.

What to expect from it? Tables about useless garbage, absolutely twisted junk and weird creatures. Think of it as of Towers of Krshal - but on acid. On bad trip. And stabbed in the kidney with a rusty, shit-smeared screwdriver.

GRAB THIS GOBLIN SHIT ON DRIVETHRURPG

GRAB THIS GOBLIN SHIT ON LULU (print)

GRAB THIS GOBLIN SHIT ON LULU (pdf)

And - once again - thank you for over a decade of ceaseless support.

TABLE OF CONTENTS!

THE SECRET OF POWER
ANNOYING TRAITS OF THE HIRELINGS
EXOTIC RACES/ORIGINS OF THE HIRELINGS
WEIRD ITEMS IN A TOOL LOCKER
RIDICULOUS MAGIC ITEMS
ACCURSED FOOTWEAR
USELESS CREATURES
DEITIES FORGOTTEN FOR A REASON
IDIOTIC CHARACTER BACKGROUND DETAILS
BIZARRE ROOMS
THINGS UNEARTHED BY MISTAKE
ARTIFACTS THAT FELL FROM THE SKY
FAKE ELIXIRS
STRANGE SMALL ITEMS
GOBLIN DISHES
USELESS FURNITURE
MORONIC RUMORS
DISAPPOINTING TREASURE
UNWELCOME GUESTS
NASTY LIGHT SOURCES
FAILED FAMILIARS
MAPS & PLANS
UNUSUAL PETS
FESTIVALS & CELEBRATIONS
USELESS OCCUPATIONS
GOBLIN SAINTS

PS. Font on the title page will make your eyes bleed.

Twenty Weird Items in a Tool Locker

 

Roll 1d20:

1. Half-melted wrench;
2. Set of seventeen infrared light bulbs, each of different size and socket type;
3. Welding mask shaped like an ant's head;
4. Circular saw blade covered with autographs of people you don't know;
5. Pair of diver's boots;
6. Five screwdrivers bent and knotted together;
7. Rasp made of crystal;
8. Pair of heavy leather gloves, with someone's severed hands still inside;
9. Denture with teeth replaced with wood screws;
10. Cordless drill modified in a way allowing it to shoot drill bits;
11. Mysterious map made of scraps of sandpaper glued together;
12. Necklace made of mirror-polished screw nuts;
13. A perfect cube of cast iron, with each side measuring exactly 66,6 millimeters;
14. Hard hat adorned with a pair of antlers;
15. Large hammer with a head on each tip;
16. Harp made of a shovel and a flute made of a fragment of copper piping;
    
17. Ginormous screw, at least three feet long and weighing more than 40 lbs;
18. Dildo made of berylium;
19. Huge welding iron, more resembling a sword than a tool;
20. Thirteen metal buckets put in one another and spot-welded together. 

Happy 2025, you bastards! 

Annoying traits of the hirelings

1. Chronic runny nose
2. Sleepwalking
3. Delusions of grandeur
4. Lecherous
5. Alcoholic
6. Sleep-talking (or rather sleep-shouting!)
7. Fear of horses
8. Navel picker
9. Lazy
   
10. Horrible bad breath
11. Ascetic to the point of absurdity
12. Fear of magic
13. Goblin makeup
14. Constantly falling in love
15. Curse of flatulence
16. Eats only fish (has own supply of dried cave trout)
17. Almost deaf but pretends his/her hearing is excellent
18. Wears only red
19. Night blindness
20. Extreme atheist

Only two months more and I'll manage to post something each month of 2024! It will be my first year with regular, monthly posting since... uhh, 2013? 

Idiotic character background details

This is really something. Something pretty useless. But I felt inspired in a weird way - a way I don't think is very fruitful!

Roll 1d20 to learn about some pretty meaningless facts about your PC's background!

1. PC's family owns 6d6 ducks.
2. PC's maternal grandmother has/had 2d8-2 warts on her face.
3. There's 3% chance that the PC's great-grandfather was a magic user. 90% chance that he was a really lousy one.
4. When the PC was a kid, he/she owned a 1d20: 1-9 pet dog, 10-18 pet cat, 19 pet goose 20 goldfish.
5. Two generations ago, all PC's direct ancestors had irises of different colors in both eyes.
6. PC's paternal grandfather lost a leg during a war. Also, he is/was an alcoholic.
7. 1d3+2 generations ago, PC's family lost a sizable estate and their entire fortune due to gambling.
8. 1d3+2 generations ago, PC's family lost a sizable estate and their entire fortune due to magical curse.
9. PC's father had 1d4 affairs, while his/her mother had 1d3.
10. PC's great-great-grandmother was an illegitimate child of a local prince/duke/baron.
11. Neither the PC's parents nor grandparents had ever owned a cat.
12. PC's grandfather was magically allergic to horses, mules and donkeys.
13. PC's father became bald when he was 12+1d6 years old.
14. All siblings of the PC's parents became monks or priests. Or nuns. Or priestesses.
15. PC's grandfather had a biggest mustache in the entire region.
16. PC's grandmother had a biggest mustache in the entire region.
17. When the PC was a kid, he/she fell in love with a member of royal family. The love was one-sided, obviously.
18. PC's 1d6: 1-3 father, 4-6 mother was locally infamous for his/her extremely loud, high pitched voice.
19. PC's great-great-grandfather was a butler for the local prince/duke/baron.
20. PC's parents once won a local contest for growing a largest turnip in the area.
    

Gibberish Tome Names

 

It seems that nowadays I prefer sharing stuff that, well. might not be of much use. Nevertheless...

Roll 1d10 five times. Click on the image to enlarge:

Have fun!

Useless potions!

 

Black Friday is here, so maybe get yourself an useless potion or two!

Roll 1d12:

1. Potion of Itching Feet
2. Potion of Hiccups
3. Potion of Air Breathing
4. Potion of Laziness
5. Potion of Sleeplessness
6. Potion of Double Vision
7. Potion of Nervousness
8. Potion of Sweating
9. Potion of Logorrhea
10. Potion of White Hair
11. Potion of Tooth Decay
12. Potion of Dandruff

And they mustn't be totally useless, especially when used to impair the opponent's abilities. Eg, Potion of Hiccups may make casting spells impossible, sweaty hands may drop held items, logorrhea is generally not very helpful in quiet environments and Potion of Tooth Decay may actually be very nutritious. And Air Breathing may save aquatic beings from suffocation. And you can sell one's dandruff as fake speed. Sorry.

Free items

Items listed below can be obtained by PCs for free at various locations (marketplaces etc.). Treat them as a garbage (items, not the PCs!).

1. Slightly rusty chain, 1ft;
2. Short oar;
3. Half a loaf of bread, somewhat stale;
4. Clay mug with missing handle;
5. Small tallow candle;
6. Half-burned incense stick (3% that it's magical)
7. Mouse trap;
8. Fishing rod made of stick. Line is snapped after 3ft;
9. Short stick of chalk;
10. Club made of table leg;
11. Smoked sardine;
12. An apple (9% that it's a worm inside it);
13. Padlock without a key;
14. Knife / shank made of a half of scissors;
15. Small stool;
16. Horseshoe in perfect condition;
17. Dusty linen bag;
18. Flea-ridden felt hat;
19. Pair of wooden shoes;
20. Pot lid made of tin.

Useless spells

I guess they are not entirely useless - One Shall Never Underestimate the Creativity of the Players!

1. Rain of Piss
2. Spectral Cutlery
3. Self-blindness
4. Mud bolt
5. Rain of Feathers
6. Summon the Grasshopper
7. Glowing Pinhead
8. Feces Breathing
9. Summon the Copper Coin
10. Invisible Shoes

Useless Tomes

1. Study on Goblin Hemoroids
2. Seventy Four Poems About a Sponge
3. Kalren's Catalogue of the Spoons
4. Use of Magic in Carpentry
5. Modern Methods of Eyeball Radius Measurement
6. Fossilized Dragon Feces, tome XXXVII
7. How to Carve a Dildo, Part Two: the Stone
8. Dwarven Guide to Candlemaking
9. Field Manual of Denture Repairs
10. Ancient Crocheting Techniques

Random shitty weapons

1. Wooden sword +1 (1-2 damage)
2. Tin dagger
3. Spade concealed in a walking stick. Blade is broken about 3 inches from the handle. Rest is missing.
4. Axe with loose head (65% chance for falling off during each strike)
5. Fake crystal sword (will shatter during the first hit)
6. Rotten spear
7. +3 Sword of Healing (each hit heals 1-10 HP instead of wounds, works only on hostile opponents)
8.  Heavy crossbow replica (3 meters range, 1-2 damage)
9. Replica of The Greatest Artifact Weapon Hidden In This Dungeon (50% chance for breaking during each succesful attack)
10. +5 Greatsword of Humanoid Slaying. Blade is missing.

Otherworldly gifts

We would like to present you a random table of 10 otherworldly gifts from higher beings. Most of them are useless to the majority of the Underworld Kingdoms inhabitants but some of them will find out of their extraordinary properities and eventually find a way to unlock them. Roll 1D10:

1. Sword of Many Blades. A round, razor sharp disc roughly the size of a dinner plate.

2. Staff of Thorns. A really thorny staff. Thorns are poisonous.

3. Great plate of Wisdom. An empty clay writing plate. Contains nothing.

4. The Shrine. Said to grant great power. Hard to find as no one knows how it looks like.

5. Chain of Summoning. 3 feet long iron chain. Each ring have carved on it strange symbols, maybe spells written in unknown language. Chain don't summon anything.

6. Humming Blade. Strangely shaped single-edged sword, made from unknown metal. It constantly emits loud, humming noise.

7. Sphere of Containment. Large, round sphere made from copper. It has an inscription in archaic language: "I can contain Anything". Unfortunately, there is no known method to open the Sphere. There is a small chance (2%) that sphere actually contains something.

8. Cube of Doom. Large (1m3) and very heavy (about 1000 lbs) cube made from quatrz. There is huge human-like skull inside the crystal. Any living being that licks the surface of the crystal dies immediately.

9. Silver Rat. Small figurine of a rat, made from indestructible, silvery metal. Despite small size, it weighs about 10 lbs. Any rodent that sees the figurine dies immediately.

10. Breaking Sword. Almost ordinary one-handed sword, with edge covered with flower-like carvings.. If used to parry, defense or any non-offensive action, will break in two parts. However, after several hours it should "heal itself" and be fully functional again, even if one part of the sword is missing or destroyed.

(1-3 created by Mr. Wight, 4-10 by Omlet)