Ten Random Openings

1. Necromancer's Portal. Leads to the nearest 1d6: 1 mausoleum; 2 mortuary; 3 top of the ancient burial mound; 4 funeral home; 5 torture chamber; 6 ossuary. If you don't know the magic password, the connection is one-way.
2. Kobold Mine Entrance. Leads to an ancient kobold mine, thirteen levels deep. Lots of rare and valuable ores and some magical crystals can be found there but the corridors are really, REALLY low and narrow. 
3. Non-Obviously Trapped Door. 1d6: 1 Level-Draining Handle; 2 Acid-Spitting Door Clapper; 3 Ridden with Devourer Maggots; 4 Door Mimic; 5 Paralyzing Handle; 6 Swarm-Summoning Alarm.
4. Demonic Well. If granted an offering such as gold or live sacrifice, can answer any question but does it in very insulting way. Water from the well is mildly poisonous, even for the creatures that are immune to non-magical poison. The Well leads to Hell itself.
5. Closet to Retardia. A door hidden in a closet that leads to a sizeable pocket dimension of a fairytale land. Sadly, all its inhabitants are as dumb as rocks, all coins,gems and jewelry are fake and all livestock and most of flowers are carnivorous and always hungry.
6. Window of Visions. A peculiar, large window, always showing dark, overcast sky. If one should stare into the clouds for at least 10 minutes, the Window will show a vision of the most important event that took place the day before and occurred less than 10 miles from the spectator. If someone enters the cloudy realm of the Window, becomes lost forever in the dreadful Dimension of Swirling Eyeballs.
7. Foul Cavern. Locals tell stories of the druidic treasure hidden in the cavern for centuries. Obviously, the cave is inhabited / guarded by a nasty beast. 1d6: 1 Three-Headed Bear; 2 Putrid Ram Demon; 3 Skeletal Duelists; 4 Troglodytic Werebats; 5 Tar Worm (largest in the province); 6 Swarm of Fist-Sized Lice.
8. Mysterious Stairway. They say it appeared overnight. Large, stone stairs lead to 1d6: 1 the Divine Cellar; 2 the Tunnels of Thousand Sounds; 3 sadly, nowhere; 4 the Prison of Headless Illusionist; 5 the Decaying Museum; 6 the Navidson's House.
9. Dimensional Fissure. One-way tear in the fabric of reality, leading to our world from 1d6: Realm of Slug Philosophers; 2 Sea of Primordial Souls; 3 Galactic Anthill; 4 Rodent Purgatory; 5 Land of Sulfuric Storms; 6 Bovine Heavens.
10. Magical Peephole. Allows to look into 1d12: 1 Goblin Ballroom; 2 Boudoir of the Queen of Retardia; 3 Needle Demon's Trap Cell; 4 Butter Wizard's Wardrobe; 6 Kaleidoscopic Museum; 7 Hypnotic Garden; 8 Trollish Latrine; 9 Secret War Room; 10 Lecture Hall in Elemental University; 11 Spy Ring Meeting Place; 12 Realm of the All-Seeing Eye.

Daemons of Nhryxx - Hninkimonhlerler

"Demon of Forbidden Angles and Doorways you Should Not Investigate. Can be summoned by offering him nine Whitewood Spoons dipped in the Death Bee Honey. I do not know the words of incantation and I do not want to know them.

It's said that his name is an anagram of another name. The one that Bird Troglodytes gave the Secret Island where the Rhodolite Nonahedron is hidden. Yes, I deciphered it. No, I do not have enough courage to look for it. I think I should not investigate the door leading outside of my tower."

- The Wizard [redacted]

All-Obscuring Eye. Each creature struck by any of Hninkimonhlerler's attacks becomes automatically blind for the next 9 turns. The effect stops immediately if the eye is destroyed or covered by something (be it a piece of cloth, glob of mud or a bucket).

The Unerring Dagger. Can be used once each turn. Hits the target automatically and there are no non-magical ways to avoid it. It deals 1 point of damage but the struck victim must pass save vs. Magic to avoid losing 8 additional Hit Points. The Dagger levitates (similarly to the demon's own power - see below) and it looks like it attacks on its own, while in fact it is controlled by Hninkimonhlerler.

Acid Spit. Each turn, roll 1d4. On a score of 1, Hninkimonhlerler can perform the Acid Spit attack. Roll to-hit normally. Deals 1d8 damage but if the target fails save vs. Poison, roll 3d8 and pick the highest score.

Paradox Armor. Only the third attack that hits Hninkimonhlerler each turn is able to deal him any damage. Also, makes him immune to all poison, disease and acid. Due to its hyper-metallic nature, all electricity-based attacks deal 1d6 additional points of damage to the demon.

Levitation. Hninkimonhlerler is virtually unable to walk or even crawl - but he can levitate, reaching  speeds similar to walking/running humans. He can levitate up to 10 feet above ground. Can levitate over liquids, lava or even strings or ropes effortlessly. If any spell or effect cancels this ability, Hninkimonhlerler automatically regains it after 1d4 turns.

Dextrous Tentacles. All of his nine tentacles (one is on the back) can be used to manipulate objects and items with great precision and skill. In addition, one of them has pincer-like claws that can be used to attack instead of using the Unerring Dagger. Roll to-hit normally. The claws deal 1d6 damage.

 

I will try to make it a series of posts. We shall see how many I'll be able to create, both in terms of abilities and the artwork.

There are no stats here. When in doubt, use the bear. If still in doubt, double everything that can be doubled. 

100 random liquids

1. Sewer Water
2. Potion of Cure Tooth Decay 
3. Potion of Visibility
4. Gnomish Brandy
5. Spring Water (extremely cold)
6. Potion of Strength
7. Cheap Wine
8. Mead
9. Stale Water (full of bacteria)
10. Potion of Flaming Piss
11. Carrot Juice 
12. Potion of Exchange
13. Blood
14. Paint Thinner 
15. Whale Oil 
16. Potion of Dexterity
17. Urine
18. Holy Water 
19. Potion of Open Wounds 
20. Jasmine Tea 
21. Potion of Blindness
22. Potion of Cure Blindness
23. Mushroom Soup 
24. Dwarven Tea 
25. Lemon Juice 
26. Potion of Healing 
27. Sake 
28. Potion of Sluggishness
29. Apple Juice 
30. Orcish Moonshine 
31. Formic Acid 
32. Potion of Constitution 
33. Potion of Rapid Rot 
34. Dwarven Ale
35. Potion of Paralysis
36. Cow Milk 
37. Potion of Cure Poison 
38. Coffee 
39. Potion of Wisdom 
40. Porter 
41. Potion of Charisma
42. Dragon Dung Tea 
43. Cobra Venom
44. Methanol 
45. Brackish Water 
46. Zelgog's Black Elixir 
47. Whale Milk 
48. Energy Drink 
49. Tomato Juice
50. Potato Juice
51. Citric Acid
52. Broth 
53. Alcohol-Free Beer
54. Egg White
55. Elixir of Polymorphy 
56. Potion of Rage 
57. Olive Oil 
58. Potion of Regeneration
59. Nitric Acid 
60. Single Malt Whisky
61. Coconut Water 
62. Petrol 
63. Rotten Tomato Juice 
64. Potion of Boost Speed
65. Soda Pop 
66. Unholy Water
67. Potion of Intelligence 
68. Grape Juice 
69. Potion of Dandruff  
70. Potion of Rust  
71. Cognac 
72. Acetone 
73. Potion of Aging
74. Potion of Youth 
75. Goblin Wine
76. Goblin Milk
77. Maple Syrup 
78. Ouzo
79. Oil Paint (random color) 
80. Rose Tea
81. Potion of Petrification
82. Drain Cleaner 
83. Paradox Fruit Juice
84. Wood Glue 
85. Scorpion Venom
86. Perfume (random scent)
87. Trollish Perfume (just imagine)
88. Potion of Clairaudience
89. Truth Serum 
90. Manticore Milk
91. Champagne
92. Dishwashing Liquid 
93. Love Potion 
94. Potion of Invisibility
95. Oil of Rust Removal
96. Angelic Tears 
97. Kvass 
98. Mercury 
99. Elven Wine 
100. Vampire Blood 

Mystical Elbow Amulet - new magic Item!

Magical artifact, made from the fractured tip of the Demented Scribe's ulna.

• -1 Strength;
• +1 Charisma;
• Wearer fails all checks and saves while on horseback or driving any vehicle;
•  Fall Damage is reduced by 1d6 (to minimum 1);
• Wearer automatically passes all saves versus fear and all morale checks. 

(yup, I broke my elbow!)

Not So Perfect Invisibility Potions

 

 

Yay, Potion of Invisibility! Roll 1d10:

1. Potion works as intended; its user becomes blind for 1d12 minutes after the potion's effect ends.
2. Potion makes invisible only for the particular type of enemies. Roll 1d6: 1-3 living creatures, 4 demons, 5 undead, 5 unliving (golems, automatons etc.).
3. In addition to invisibility, potion's user begins to glow. I guess it's possible to miss it in broad daylight. 
4. In addition to invisibility, potion's user starts to stink horribly (CHA halved, beings possessing acute sense of smell may be able to detect him/her with relative ease). This side effect lasts until the next full moon.
5. Potion works as intended, but first three creatures with level / HD lower than the potion's user become invisible for him/her.
6. Potion's effect kicks in with significant delay (4d6 hours!).
7. Potion was mixed with another magical potion (determine randomly), duration / potency of both effects is halved.
8. Duration of invisibility is doubled - as well as all damage received by the potion's user for as long as he/she remains invisible.
9. Duration of invisibility is tripled - but each turn of its effect the user must save vs Magic to avoid giggling uncontrollably. If natural 1 is rolled during the saving throw, the porion's user starts to laugh so hard that he/she is unable to perform any other actions this turn.
   
10. This potion seems to be perfect - invisibility lasts forever. Each morning, potion's user must save vs Magic to become visible for the next 24 hours. This effect can be dispelled by a high-level wizard / priest. Or divine intervention. Or infernal contract.
    

Also, back in 2012, I made something similar for the Potions of Invisibility.

Random Posts!

Roll 1d8 and be amazed.

1. Blackened Iron Pillar. Every new moon, a group of 2d6+5 cultists gather around to sacrifice an albino, three headed goat. Then, an Iron Demon (AC 4, HD 17, 3d12 damage) is summoned and forced to listen to the cult leader's terrible poetry.
2. Pink Marble Post.  Every damaging spell cast within a one-mile radius from the pillar deals half of its normal damage (rounded down) and amount of HP restored by the healing spells is doubled.
3. Platinum Column. Extremely valuable (778879 gp) but guarded by 13 Platinum Golems (AC 2, HD 8, 2d6 damage) which sadly explode when destroyed, dealing 4d10-4 damage.
4. Goblin Radio Tower. This huge wooden post has highly-advanced receiver mounted on its top. Clearly it's of an alien origin and it beams the Space Goblin King's commands down to his minions on the planet. Unfortunately, the device is smeared with goblin feces. There are three large goblin encampments within two-mile radius from the Tower. 
5. Bone Column. Looks like a huge human spine. Every living creature killed within the one-mile radius from the Column rises as an undead after 1d4 hours.
6. Glass Spire. If touched with one's forehead for one hour, the post heals of one's wounds and reverses the effects of stat and level draining. In addition to healing, it curses with terrible nightmares that hinder sleep (-1 to all stat checks and saving throws) for the entire month.
7. Clay Pillar. Looks like a chimney build with crudely made bricks. On closer inspection, each brick is decorated with a tiny, extremely complex rune. If one spills his/her/its blood (1 HP worth of blood) and touches the Pillar, he/she/it becomes instantly teleported to the second, identical Clay Pillar, located somewhere else within the same star system. Doesn't work on bloodless creatures.
8. Phallic Post. It just looks like a ginormous schlong. Move along.
   

Random tables!

1. Brass Spiked Table. Made of uhh, spiked brass. Any summon spell cast while the scroll / spellbook sits on this table is more effective, but in quite unexpected way - the number of summoned creatures is increased by one, no matter if the spell summons a cricket or a lessed deity.
2. Swan Table. Made of white wood, with strangely curved legs. Big enough for two human-sized creaures to sit on it. Can be used in manner similar to magic carpet - just way weirder.
3. Twenty-legged Table. Made of reddish, cracked wood, at least twenty feet long. When approached, it transforms into an enormous centipede and attacks! AC 4, HD 5, fast movement, save vs Poison or 1d4 additional damage and -1 to all attack rolls for one hour (cumulative).
4. Malachite Workbench. All poison brewed on this table are more potent - either lasting for twice as long, or dealing additional damage die, or modifying victim's saving throw by -1.
5. Pink Topaz Table. Any food left on this table for at least ten minutes loses its poisonous properties. Unfortunately, it also loses any taste, while keeping its nutritional value.
6. Singing Oak Table. Each night, a huge mouth appears on the surface of this table. It devours everything that was placed on it. The items can be safely retrieved if the secret codeword is sang.
7. Goblin Stool Table. Any gold placed on this table is transmuted into goblin feces. Any silver is enchanted, dealing additional 2d6 damage to all zoanthropes (effect lasts for 24 hours). Any water is transformed into lemon juice. And fruits are transformed into cucumbers. Transmutation process starts immediately and lasts for 1d4 minutes.
8. Coffee Table of Great Fun. Made of finely polished walnut and adorned by a shimmering, floral rune. Anyone who touches the rune must save vs Magic or temporarily gets 13 additional HP, -1 to AC (to a minimum of 2) and gets extremely drunk. Additionally, they become plagued by nasty hallucinations of naked but extremely hideous dryads (-1 to all rolls). Effect lasts for six hours.
   

Mad King's Decisions - random table

Roll 1d10 and enjoy the mayhem:

1. Contradict your last edict.
2. Contradict your last edict, only to revert to it 1d4 days later.
3. Show up on the big horse race event*.
4. Pact with your biggest historical enemy with no apparent reason.
5. Propose annexation of all of border kingdoms.
6. Nominate kingdom's biggest d6: 1 idiot; 2 con, 3 criminal, 4 evil cult leader, 5 lunatic, 6 legendary monster - as your advisor.
7. Execute the realm's d6: 1 archmage, 2 spy leader, 3 royal physician, 4 key general, 5 advisor, 6 key minister.
8. Exile all the d4: 1 royal guards, 2 royal cooks, 3 capital city's administrators, 4 army officers.
9. Revert your last 1d4 edicts. There is a 37% chance to revert the reversal day later. Roll separately for each edict. 
10. Roll twice and combine the effects!

*) I love NASCAR, as one of 2d20 Europeans who watch it. 

PS. My 50% sale of all PDFs is still going!

MORE SALE IS MORE BETTER - still a 50% discount!

 

Yup. I decided to prolong the agony promo on all my PDFs on DTRPG. Now it lasts for the entire February!

GET MY POOP PDFS ON DRIVETHRU! NOW FIFTY PERCENT OFF!

End of January sale - 50% discount on all my shit on DTRPG!

That's right. All my PDFs on DriveThruRPG are now 50% off. Which combined with the site-wide sale, drops the prices even more. Promo lasts until the end of the month. Enjoy!

BUY MY STUFF EVEN CHEAPER!

Ridiculous Random Results - Disappointing Treasure

Another random table from my latest release. Roll 1d20 and enjoy your disappointment:

1. Chest full of candies shaped like coins
2. Pouch full with colorful glass shards
3. Sculpture of a chest
4. Moldy leather armor
5. Rugged traveler’s boots, soaked with potent psychedelics
6. Magical tome, totally ruined with tar
7. Scroll tube full of children drawings
8. Miniature full plate armor, rusty
9. Chest within a chest within a chest within a chest
10. Chest with a very complicated lock; the key to open it is the only item inside
11. Two gilded potties, full of ancient “treasure”
12. Beautiful wooden sculpture - unfortunately, it seems it was used as a target practice at least few dozen times
13. Ornate oil lamp made of brass; no Djinn inside
14. Supposedly magical wand, broken in three pieces
15. Wooden case full of small flasks or jars
    
16. Small portable altar or a reliquary, made of a hollowed-out loaf of bread
17. Scroll containing an ancient cipher that turns out to be totally gibberish
18. Map leading the to the Tomb of Thousand Traps
19. Dragon egg, hardboiled
20. Jar containing two dozen goblin testicles, preserved in honey

 

Ridiculous Random Results - what's inside?

 

Some content from my latest booklet- the Ridiculous Random Results which I dropped two days ago - is already available here on the blog. Here's the list of all random tables, as well as linkage to things that were already posted here!

THE SECRET OF POWER
ANNOYING TRAITS OF THE HIRELINGS
EXOTIC RACES/ORIGINS OF THE HIRELINGS
WEIRD ITEMS IN A TOOL LOCKER
RIDICULOUS MAGIC ITEMS
ACCURSED FOOTWEAR
USELESS CREATURES
DEITIES FORGOTTEN FOR A REASON
IDIOTIC CHARACTER BACKGROUND DETAILS
BIZARRE ROOMS
THINGS UNEARTHED BY MISTAKE
ARTIFACTS THAT FELL FROM THE SKY
FAKE ELIXIRS
STRANGE SMALL ITEMS
GOBLIN DISHES
USELESS FURNITURE
MORONIC RUMORS
DISAPPOINTING TREASURE
UNWELCOME GUESTS
NASTY LIGHT SOURCES
FAILED FAMILIARS
MAPS & PLANS
UNUSUAL PETS
FESTIVALS & CELEBRATIONS
USELESS OCCUPATIONS
GOBLIN SAINTS

RIDICULOUS RANDOM RESULTS - OUT NOW!

As you probably noticed, nowadays I prefer to make content that is, well, weirder than usual. And slightly over the top. Or maybe not slightly.

So today I compiled all the bizarre random tabled I made since the release of my previous booklet, added some more, sprinkled it heavily with some Goblin Dust and voila! The book of Ridiculous Random Results was born.

What to expect from it? Tables about useless garbage, absolutely twisted junk and weird creatures. Think of it as of Towers of Krshal - but on acid. On bad trip. And stabbed in the kidney with a rusty, shit-smeared screwdriver.

GRAB THIS GOBLIN SHIT ON DRIVETHRURPG

GRAB THIS GOBLIN SHIT ON LULU (print)

GRAB THIS GOBLIN SHIT ON LULU (pdf)

And - once again - thank you for over a decade of ceaseless support.

TABLE OF CONTENTS!

THE SECRET OF POWER
ANNOYING TRAITS OF THE HIRELINGS
EXOTIC RACES/ORIGINS OF THE HIRELINGS
WEIRD ITEMS IN A TOOL LOCKER
RIDICULOUS MAGIC ITEMS
ACCURSED FOOTWEAR
USELESS CREATURES
DEITIES FORGOTTEN FOR A REASON
IDIOTIC CHARACTER BACKGROUND DETAILS
BIZARRE ROOMS
THINGS UNEARTHED BY MISTAKE
ARTIFACTS THAT FELL FROM THE SKY
FAKE ELIXIRS
STRANGE SMALL ITEMS
GOBLIN DISHES
USELESS FURNITURE
MORONIC RUMORS
DISAPPOINTING TREASURE
UNWELCOME GUESTS
NASTY LIGHT SOURCES
FAILED FAMILIARS
MAPS & PLANS
UNUSUAL PETS
FESTIVALS & CELEBRATIONS
USELESS OCCUPATIONS
GOBLIN SAINTS

PS. Font on the title page will make your eyes bleed.

Twenty Weird Items in a Tool Locker

 

Roll 1d20:

1. Half-melted wrench;
2. Set of seventeen infrared light bulbs, each of different size and socket type;
3. Welding mask shaped like an ant's head;
4. Circular saw blade covered with autographs of people you don't know;
5. Pair of diver's boots;
6. Five screwdrivers bent and knotted together;
7. Rasp made of crystal;
8. Pair of heavy leather gloves, with someone's severed hands still inside;
9. Denture with teeth replaced with wood screws;
10. Cordless drill modified in a way allowing it to shoot drill bits;
11. Mysterious map made of scraps of sandpaper glued together;
12. Necklace made of mirror-polished screw nuts;
13. A perfect cube of cast iron, with each side measuring exactly 66,6 millimeters;
14. Hard hat adorned with a pair of antlers;
15. Large hammer with a head on each tip;
16. Harp made of a shovel and a flute made of a fragment of copper piping;
    
17. Ginormous screw, at least three feet long and weighing more than 40 lbs;
18. Dildo made of berylium;
19. Huge welding iron, more resembling a sword than a tool;
20. Thirteen metal buckets put in one another and spot-welded together. 

Happy 2025, you bastards!